Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
