One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
