I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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