I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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