Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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