Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
