mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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