remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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