you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
