if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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