I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
