It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize