I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
jump out the window naked night went bad
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
