I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
