that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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