she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
