So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
