I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
