She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
