he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I deserve this hangover.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
