i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
im calling her cock vulture from now on
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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