My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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