Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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