i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
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