the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
