May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
