how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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