I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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