So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
