Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
