I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize