i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
