I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
