1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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