his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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