i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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