Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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