So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
