I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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