Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
