just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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