Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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