I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
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