Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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