I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
