The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
