cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
