Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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