I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
