I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Randomize
