Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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