My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize