Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
