can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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