someone threw a dead crab at me
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
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