If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
This toilet bowl is my home.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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