i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
