whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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