You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
